I have to do this……….

I know I invited some of you to come read this, and after you are done, you will all understand why. And for those I didn't invite personally, then sit back and relax…..this may be a very long one….

Someone that I know has made a few good points to me. One: you have to just take what you have and make the best of it. Two: even though she didn't say it just like this, I have to stop pitying myself.

She is right. I shouldn't. But I guess there is so much I want in my life. There are so many mistakes that I know I shouldn't have made, and nothing I can do can fix them. Nothing!!!!! And I know I can't make up for some of them and trying would be futile. But I see all of these things around me that I wished I could have for myself, but no matter what, I can't have them.

For example, I have a friend named Curtis. He is someone I respect very much, because I can see that no matter what, he is an honorable person, that shows compassion to others. He is true to himself. Good news for him though. Curtis is getting married soon….June 24. Congratulations to him and his bride-to-be.

In a way, I'm kinda jealous. Don't get me wrong, I am very happy for them both, and I wish them the best. I just wished I could have something like that. I want to be able to do that. The problem with that is I have to find somebody first. What is so wrong with me that I can't find someone that will accept me for who I am? I want to find someone that has a good heart, someone I can give my soul to. I want to find someone I can love, and that will love me back. Is that too much to ask? I thought I've found that few times before, but each time they always turn out to be obsessed, or they try to be controlling, or……you get the picture, right…..

I hate having this facade that I am happy, because I am not. Not even close to it.

I want to be happy, even if it means for one day.

The thing that makes me happy the most is helping other people, and even I can't be happy with that. Something always happens with it. I will give you an example. I recently did something for a close friend. It wasn't much, she is scared of storms, and there was a terrible one heading toward our city. So I offered to give her company, she accepted, and I went. No problem, right. First of all, I would like to say this, I have deep feeling for her, feeling I can't deny, feelings I can't do anything about. I want to be with her, and I would do almost anything to have that opportunity(I guess she is right, I have bad timing), but I am blessed that I have the friendship I do with her…..it hurts not to be able to act on my feelings, but it means just as much to me to have her as one of my good friends…….anyway(I'm straying away here)…..I went to give her company during the storm, maybe get her attention away from it somehow. Funny thing is that it didn't storm while I was there. Really weird, huh. So I left earlier than I thought I would because I was going to stay for the duration of the storm for her. She offered me to stay the night there in the living room, because she had something important to take care of, but I didn't accept because I didn't feel right(I have my reasons). But I got my stuff together, and headed out…..oh yeah, I walk from place to place. I was glad that I could at least be there. Yeah, I know, I was there with someone I have those feeling for, but I was there helping a friend that needed me. That makes me feel better at least, I was able to help my friend….even though the storm decided not to be on time……one problem……I headed out, and the storm finally decided to show up. Not a little rain, but torrential downpour(as I told you, it was not on time). I had my coat with me because I had an inkling that it would be at least raining a little bit on me, but I never expected this. I was drenched. I even stopped and stayed under this awning for about an hour, and I was soaked then. I dried pretty quick there, but to no avail. It didn't look like it was going to slow down any, so I finished my trip home. Another problem. Rainwater tends to make me sick…..REALLY SICK…..so what do you think a shitload of it would do to me?……I haven't really kept anything down since I got home that night, and I am very weak from it.

I am glad about helping her, but I guess she is right, my timing is terrible. About everything.

I want to be happy so bad….and I am trying with everything that I am, but I guess it never seems to be enough. I know what I want…..I want to have a girl that has a heart of gold that will love me for who I am…….

I want to be happy so bad…….but for some reason I can't even get close……

I'm thinking I should give up on it. I've thought about it so many times, but I'm ready to. I'm not sure what to do anymore with it………

I have some song lyrics for you, this is exactly how I am feeling right now…….here they are, and it is just the chorus of the song…..

We all want what we can't have
It's enough to drive you mad
Make you happy, make you sad
Ain't it crazy
We all want what we can't have

That is the chorus from "What We Can't Have" by The Warren Brothers……..I agree, it seems that is the truth more and more everyday……..there are a lot of things that are haunting me, there are some bad decisions that I wished I could go back and fix……there are some things I would give anything to have the opportunity to redo……but I know that I can't. It is all of that together that makes me want to just stop trying……..

Maybe I should……..

I just don't know anymore…….

I guess my timing has always been bad…..and apparently, it always will be……

And I don't want any pity, I don't have any for myself, I don't need it…..I made the mistakes myself, and that is that……..I know that the past is only what a person can get, it is what you make of it for the future………

I just don't know if I have anything to make it worth the fight anymore……….

Does any of this make sense to anyone but me?
Am I really just the fool that I think I am?

Someone give me a reason that I shouldn't give up……I am open to any and all ideas you may have……Let me know either on here, or you can send me an email, my email addresses are on "The Lost Soul" page…….

Fino alla volta prossima, i miei amici…………